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Go with the flow – the story of Carmen’s breast cancer
Today, Lake Chiemsee is greeting us in one of its rougher, wilder moods. Unlike on the picture-perfect postcards we all know so well, a cold and wet breeze slaps the waves against the shore with a vengeance. A scene almost reminiscent of the home of our interviewee today: Carmen Lopez, a native of the Spanish Atlantic coast.
Carmen herself comes breezing around a corner towards us, wholly unphased by the less than perfect conditions for our interview today, for which we planned a stroll along the lake shore. She beams as she spots us. It is quite obvious that she won’t let herself be distracted by details like the weather. Today, Carmen won’t be telling us how she beat cancer. She won’t be talking about how she survived the disease. As a mother of three, she doesn’t have time to reminisce about her battles. Instead, she will demonstrate to us how to surf across the rough waters of life. The harder the storm, the greater the wave. And the more you fight against it, the more power you will lose.
The calm before the storm
We begin our interview as we stroll along the river, despite the angry, dark rain clouds moving ever closer. “My day begins early, long before any of the others are awake”, begins Carmen. I use this time of peace and quiet for reflection, almost a bit of a meditation. It helps me to gather myself and to start the day with positive energy.” Carmen talks about how important it is to find such moments of peace – especially as a mother. I really enjoy the quiet of my garden and allow myself to truly feel and perceive nature all around me.”
She emphasises how her morning ritual has become one of many life-altering habits after she was first diagnosed with cancer. “Well, you could say that I meditate. Weather permitting, I love to go out into the garden and start my day as one with nature. 20 minutes for just me, the chirping of the birds and the lush green all around me.” She explains how important this ritual has become for her, as it allows her to recharge her batteries and begin her day peacefully, instead of jumping head first into the stress of everyday life.
Sometimes it is okay to take – and not just give of yourself all the time
While the rain drops begin to fall thick and heavy, Carmen talks about how important it is – especially as a mother of three – to find time for yourself and to listen to your own needs: “It is really easy to lose sight of yourself when you are a mom. You concentrate on making sure your kids have everything they need. But you have to realise that you need to recharge your own batteries before you can give them that. When my batteries are depleted I have nothing left to give.”
Carmen had to learn the importance of that truth the hard way. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015 and really had no time or space for that in her life at that time. “I was – and still am – married, a mom of three, and my youngest was just about to be weaned. I had planned to go back to my job as a Spanish teacher in the following month. Then came the diagnosis. It was like a slap in the face. My first thought was that I couldn’t deal with it right then, there was no time for that.”
Wind of change
“From one day to the next, I was suddenly forced to actually think about myself, to take care of me.” She speaks about the moment that changed her life: “I wasn’t fully aware of it at the time, but I began to understand that I had forgotten about me as an individual, as a woman. I had become a mom, a wife, a friend. I had plenty of room for those personas in my life. But there was no time for me to do something for myself, on my own, as an individual – all these things had completely disappeared from my life.” She reflects about the challenges this realisation brought, and how she started changing her life.
For Carmen, the question is: “How do I nurture myself (not just with food), how do I live a life that includes me? What am I doing? What can I do? Who do I meet? What should a say or not say for my own benefit? What decisions do I take in my life to nurture me as a person? And when I am full to the brim with energy, then I can truly care for my children and nurture them – but not the other way around!”
She is fully aware of the fact that despite everything she was lucky: “I was given the opportunity to fully concentrate on getting better. That was incredibly valuable. It was a gift that I wholeheartedly accepted. I had friends, who popped in from time to time, or brought me stuff when I needed something. I went away to the rehabilitation clinic for three weeks, and didn’t have to worry about a thing at home. That was possible only because of my friends and family. Some of them even came over from Spain to help.” Wind and rain become fiercer as she speaks, and we hurry to the pier in search of a place to hide from the weather.
Openness as the deliberately chosen path
In our hiding place, Carmen continues. “I have always spoken openly about my illness, but I also learned to set limits. If I don’t want to talk about my condition, well, then I don’t.” She describes how important it is to raise awareness for breast cancer, and at the same time take care of yourself: “It id so important to be completely frank when you talk about it! Cancer is a reality that affects so many. That is one of the reasons why I put my truth out there. I want to encourage other women – no matter what decision they make – an ablation of one or both breasts, reconstruction or no reconstruction. I don’t have an opinion about that. Instead, I say: Find your own path just like I found mine. Your decision is right for you, and you are perfect the way you are.”
Carmen also stresses how important it is to include men because they too get breast cancer and may often feel excluded from public awareness. But she doesn’t stop there: “Life will always take us to our limits. But these limits are our opportunities to make a change. It really doesn’t matter whether we are talking about cancer, depression, or any other illness. It could also be trauma like the loss of a loved one or a separation – it really doesn’t matter!”
Cancer as an opportunity to turn things around
“I say this often, and I am convinced that it is the truth: cancer came into my life to give me a well-placed kick in the behind and let me know that I have the starring role in my own life! It’s all about me! And only when I look after myself properly I will have the strength to look after others”, she explains. Her eyes light up as she adds: “For me it was dancing. It helped me to find myself and heal.” “It was my therapy and my joy. I rediscovered my love for dancing and it became an important medium for me to express myself.” Carmen shares how dancing helped her emotionally and physically to overcome the stress and hardship of treatment and her psychological burdens.
A new sense of self
Carmen talks about the transformation she experienced: “Cancer was my wake-up call. I learned that I was more than just mother, teacher, or friend. I am a woman with my own needs and desires. This realisation has helped me to change the way I live and to make decisions that really suit me.” As an artist, it is very important to her to tell her story because she feels that her audience have no concept of her history. “People, who see me on stage today think that I have done this all my life. They think I have always moved like this and sung like this. The truth is, I found this because of the illness. The cancer made me discover the artist in me. I started dancing again and discovered my hidden talents like singing, modelling, or public speaking”, as she speaks, Carmen almost starts to dance on the little bench, but then continues: “Cancer has given me strength. And courage! It was like ‘come on, Carmen, you got this!’ ... because I had nothing to lose – after all: what was there to lose, I could soon be dead? And that thought – thinking that soon, even tomorrow, it could all be over – that’s when you stop procrastinating. It is all about the here and now. And that is why a created a concert in which I tell my story to encourage others.”
Call to action
The wind and rain now blow horizontally into our hidey-hole and we decide to relocate to a nearby café. Carmen pulls her collar all the way up to her nose and summarises: “I sing and I dance to give courage to others. I found my hidden talents in this experience – so can you. Find a new – a better version of yourself. That is the message I want to convey. I need people to listen inwards. I need them to open that door – and what do you know? There might be something good waiting for them behind that door.”
We sit and warm our hands on cups of steaming ginger tea as she adds: “I too, had to first accept the fact that I had cancer. Once I did, I decided to make the most of my situation. I felt like it would take a year to learn something new. And I had absolutely no idea what new thing I was supposed to learn. It was just a gut feeling and I went with it and created this completely new Carmen.”
Imagination: glimmer of hope and reward
Finally warm and dry, Carmen remembers how many of her thoughts circled around death right after she had her diagnosis. What would happen, as she would leave behind her husband with three little kids. That is when she forced herself every day to think about something positive. She imagined happiness for so long that it became a routine. Carmen pictured herself playing in the wild surf of her beloved Atlantic Ocean. She saw herself screaming and laughing against the backdrop of a beautiful red sunset. For her, this was more than just imagination. It embodied hope, and it became her goal. “I subconsciously programmed myself, telling my body that I wanted to be there! This is my wish! I created that mental image of myself every day. I want others to use this tool to reach their goals. Whenever someone asks me what they can do to focus on the positive, I say: Ask yourself ‘what can I do?’ ‘Where do I see myself happy and healthy?’ ‘Where is that place for you and what are you doing there?’ ‘What do you smell?’ ‘What do you feel?’ ‘Who is with you?’.”
Carmen is on fire about the subject: “You must allow yourself to live that scene every day. Travel there in your mind and most importantly: permit yourself to feel its reality. That is how you tell your body ‘this is what I want, this is what will happen’. This way of thinking saved me in the beginning. Seeing myself in the ocean I love, the place where I come from. Because I had this strong desire: I want to be there again some day. And I want to experience exactly that.” Carmen lets out a deep sigh. “And I did just that.” With my husband and my kids. Once all the treatments and therapy were over. And I jumped around in the ocean at sunset like a wild and crazy woman.”
Go with the flow
Carmen points out the rain-thrashed window at some kite surfers that are taking advantage of the unusually high surf on the lake. “The Atlantic coast of Spain is my home”, she adds with some pride. “Not the Mediterranean”. The word ‘Atlantic’ is enough to light up her face. “The Atlantic coast, where I come from, has plenty of wild surf, and I often pictured myself simply going with the flow, letting myself be carried by the waves. In other words: I wasn’t going to work against the tide anymore. If life has a plan for me, then I should just give in to the flow, and play in the waves with my kids. I will simply jump in head first and go with it. Just like that kite surfer out there: he uses the power of the surf and lets himself be carried along by the wind and the waves. When you think about it, that’s what the proverbial flow of life is all about. It makes no sense to try and fight against it. Just let yourself be picked up and carried along.”
Carmen is delighted about the fact that Lake Chiemsee has played along so nicely today to provide the backdrop for her metaphors. “Isn’t it wonderful that the lake is so wild and powerful today. Just like the power that we as women have lying dormant in us, and that I want to activate in everyone with my story.”
Thank you, Carmen, for the empowering words for us and for our readers.
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